Songwriter, producer, and multi-instrumentalist spill tab has been making waves with her effortless vocals and alt-pop earworms. Her music is so distinctively her; she blends these genres effortlessly, singing in English and French.
Her new EP is the perfect statement of who she is and her new direction. It's a little chaotic but perfectly laced together in a way that feels so different. We talked to spill tab about her about imposter syndrome, her alter ego, and making music with intention.
EARMILK: What would you say is the overarching theme if there was one?
spill tab: It's an EP made up of a bunch of songs I made throughout the past, like a year and a half to two years. The thread that brings it together is a bunch of textures and tones that I've been enjoying and wanting to explore, and the themes deal with more like internal thought process stuff. I don't think I consciously had a theme or a line connecting it all. But hopefully, when it comes together, there's something there that kind of glues it all together.
People will interpret as they will. I saw a quote about you talking about impostor syndrome, which is something we can all relate to. How do you deal with that and push through that?
I think the answer is I just shove it down deep and ignore it. I recently just saw this video on TikTok. This woman was giving a speech at a school's graduation. She was talking about impostor syndrome and how, a lot of people who get impostor syndrome in certain fields, it's totally normal because you feel out of place in that field because that field was not built to have you. I just thought it was something interesting. How it's a lot of people of color or just women of color, women in general, when they enter any context, it's usually has been made up of people that don't look like them for the longest of times, so when you feel that impostor syndrome, it's a normal thing to feel. Sometimes, instead of talking so much about how to make it go away, it's just accepting that it's just maybe there for reasons outside of your control. I feel that way. It's okay. I'm not going to make it my life's goal to make it go away. I'm just going to accept it and do what I can with that.
It makes a lot of sense because impostor syndrome does affect more women and women of color. There's that joke that every man with a podcast thinks his opinion needs to be heard and musicians are like, "Oh, no one wants to hear my thoughts."
I think the context now is that there's just so much shit all the time, always blowing up, always going viral. It's like this constant– the longevity is ignored now. It's just like this constant up and down. It's like, how can we feed the ascent rather than how can we feed the longevity?
That's so true because everything moves at such a fast pace music-wise that there must be so much pressure to keep releasing things. Do you ever feel that way?
I think definitely that there's this external and internal pressure to continue to crank out content. But if I'm putting music out, it's going to be for myself and for the people that want to listen. If I'm doing it for either one of those two things, which are good reasons, the quality should be first and foremost the priority. Knowing that I'm putting in a lot of thought and intention, and quality into what I'm putting out like that slows down the machine of releasing stuff. It's more important to stick to why you started putting stuff out in the first place and stick to the pillars of what is important to you when you're making art.
You talk a lot about like an inner dialogue. Is it ever hard for you to put out those more vulnerable feelings? Do you have any qualms about that, or are you just letting it go?
I think it's nice because when you write music, you can say it's fiction. You can chalk it up to fantasy or whatever you want. I think it's nice because I think it's like a lot of the time, it's, "Oh, I have stuff in there that's probably easier to write than it is to say out loud." It definitely is, for me, at least.
Do you feel like being vulnerable is something you're born with, or do you think it's a strength you can build with practice?
It's taken me a long time, even with partners or friends, to sit comfortably in my skin and be fully myself without a filter or a mask or anything. So I mean, for me even, it's tough, and I think some people have a better disposition for that and can be completely themselves, and I think that's super inspiring. My best friend is like that. She's just 100% always herself, and it just attracts such beautiful energy. It inspires you to want to be more like that and be more honest. So yeah, it's easier for some than it is for others, but either way, everyone has the tensions between being vulnerable and being how you are. I think it is also really interesting in and of itself.
I was reading the song "Fetish" you have on the EP, and you said you have assertive energy. Does having an alter ego help you in making music? Does that get you in a certain headspace where you don't have to be exactly yourself?
The alter ego is the vehicle I can ride in to say things I normally wouldn't feel comfortable saying. It also makes songwriting a lot more fun. I feel like when this becomes a thing that I do every day or every other day, finding kind of new prompts to stir up creativity is super helpful.
I love this idea of writing an idealized version of yourself. What characteristics would that idealized version have for you?
Being able to speak my mind more freely. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I guess to be a little bit more assertive, a little bit less afraid of conflict.
Is there a particular song that's hard for you to play live that feels too close to home?
I think I completely disassociate on stage. Being on stage is just this absolute rush of energy. Sometimes, when I'm playing the more intimate songs, I'm mindful and intentional about remembering where I wrote it and trying to like access that initial feeling and try to perform it with as much life and initial intention as I had. I don't ever want to get tired of the songs that I make, especially if this song is one people really like. I want to give everyone the best version of a performance that I can when I'm playing it live.
What would be one of the biggest challenges for you in your career so far?
I am my biggest challenge to myself in a lot of work, which I feel is such a corny thing to say, but it's really easy to just get in my head. It's remembering that I have that power to say no or to create my own version of how I want things to play out and to be empowered to make big decisions, so I think I've gotten in my own way so much. I also grew up a people pleaser. I think it's difficult to separate pleasing people because you want to make people happy but also protecting the stuff that is the most important to you. I never thought I would do this for a living; I always thought making music would be like my secret therapy. I never expected the thing that I care about the most to be the thing that I do all the time, which is kind of a weird thing. I think with that comes this newfound will to like really protect it.
What does keep you motivated to keep going and push forward and push through all of that?
I want to do this for a long time. I want to have a positive association and a certain longevity to this. That's the goal versus what the current context of music is trying to tell you about what your goals should be. I remind myself that the goal is to do this for a really long time.
