2014-05-30T18:37:14+00:00 2016-02-04T04:23:37+00:00

The Rave Hangover Turndown Diet

When the lasers have stopped shimmering in the light sweat mist, and the CDJ's have stopped metaphorically spinning, the "ugly lights" come on. Every club has bright, fluorescent lights, meant to expose every blemish in your skin, and instantly make you look like raver trash. The ugly lights are a sign that it's time for you to quickly get to an afterparty, lest your carriage turn into a pumpkin, and you lose your glass slippers for good.

Once you have arrived at an afterparty, you'll need to pound enough Pabst Blue Ribbon to fight the comedown of whatever it is that you just took. Why PBR? PBR is specifically formulated for hipster body chemistry, to work in perfect harmony with the cells in your hipster body. The microscopic blue ribbon bubbles enter your bloodstream, seeking out the MDMA already there. Upon finding the Molly chemicals, they say, "Hey Molly, it's time for you to chill, homegirl." Then, PBR writes Molly a song on microscopic acoustic guitar – which is also one of the main ingredients in PBR.

Read up on MDMA, and never ingest something you don't know is safe.


For most people, getting four to six PBR's down within an hour will quickly remedy the pending Molly hangover. If you're not susceptible to getting the spins, smoke a bowl or two of weed. It mellows out the pounding feeling in your head.

Disclaimer: Please don't drive home from the afterparty. Use Uber, or Lyft, or grab a taxi. For the love of God, don't get cross-faded, and get behind the wheel – especially if you're coming down from Molly. That's a dangerous and deadly game, like putting hamsters in a microwave.

After your ride drops you off on your doorstep, you're probably starting to really feel the downside of your rave hangover. Everything you do for the next 24 hours will totally suck, and that's why before you went out partying, you went to the store and got everything you need to survive a rave hangover. Right? RIGHT?! Oh you didn't? Well, let's rewind then and pretend you did.

Here's everything you need to survive:

1. Pedialyte

Pedialyte was invented because babies love to rage hard. When infants are coming down from hours of bobbing their heads to Raffi's "Banana Phone", they sip on purple drank – also known as grape Pedialyte.

Get a double Styrofoam cup, toss in a handful of ice and fill it two-thirds of the way up with Pedialyte. I bet you're feeling a little more like DJ Screw (RIP) already. Once you've got the Pedialyte in your cup, add in some…

2. Sprite

Pedialyte doesn't have enough sugar in it, and you need a little boost of sugar to bring you back to life, plus the Sprite actually balances really well with the Pedialyte, and makes you feel much more like a cool rapper sipping lean. If anyone comes and visits you in your state of post-rave hangover, you'll get a boost in street cred. Toss a couple Jolly Ranchers in the cup and give it a good stir if you really want to channel your inner Slim Thug.

3. Fruit salad

You're not going to feel like eating, because the chemicals in your brain are completely fucked up right now. Despite what your brain is telling you, it's important to get some vitamins in your system. The easiest way to do that is fruit salad. It's cold, and if you really feel like eating it with your fingers like an insolent toddler, that's totally an option. Get something with cantaloupe, grapes, strawberries, and honeydew melon. I never eat the honeydew melon, but some people do because they're total freaks.

4. Netflix

Let's go ahead and assume you're not going to be moving around much. Take up residence in your bed, on your couch, in a hammock, or in one of those coma-inducing Love Sac's. You'll want to keep in mind that your brain won't be able to properly process emotions right now, so stay away from movies like Blackfish. I was barely able to handle that movie while I wasn't on a Molly hangover. Baby whales crying for their moms is not a chill move when you're just trying to survive. Speaking of "trying to survive", I recommend Snow on tha Bluff – it's on Netflix right now, and it's unlike any movie I have ever seen. From the handheld camera it was shot on, to the authenticity of not needing actors to fulfill drug dealer roles, Snow on the Bluff is a real life version of The Wire. (Note, if you have HBO Go, watch a season of The Wire instead. Just not season two. That one was a bit weird.)

5. Strooly – Space Jam EP

All the music you loved last night is now your mortal enemy. The booming drums, ear-piercing highs, and air raid sirens have given way to something more mellow. "Turn down for what?!" – I believe you mean, "Turn down for whom?", Lil Jon. In this case, we'll be turning down with Nashville based producer Strooly.

I met Strooly two years ago when I moved to Nashville, because he's one of our "resident locals". If you book a DJ in Nashville, and Full Circle Presents is the promoter, chances are you'll see a lineup featuring Strooly and SOSA alongside KDSML – SOSA's virtuoso-level wax cutting older brother. Of all the cities I have lived in, this might be the best all-local lineup, ever. I have to hand it to Blake Atchison (owner of Full Circle Presents) for curating these three guys, because every show has a diversity of sound.

Strooly is usually the opener, but not because he's lacking in talent – he's just not really a great fit for most dance clubs. If you're looking for crazy high energy, eccentric "rage hard bro" music – that's never going to be Strooly. His magic happens in the studio, where he crafts a blend of future screw, and meshes it with some distinct Memphis hip hop influences. It's nuanced, subtle, and designed to gently make you nod your head.

It's music for purple drank, whether it's purple promethazine, or purple Pedialyte. In this case, it's a great soundtrack for sipping Pedialyte and playing…

6. 2048 (iTunes App Store or Google Play)

I swear on everything that is holy, every single day, that I won't pick up this game and play it. It kills tons of time, requires very few brain cells, and is insanely addictive. (Note, while I was in the middle of this article, I stopped writing for a moment to bob my head to Strooly and play 2048. That's 25 minutes of my life I can't get back. The best part about having ADD is… hey look a puppy!) If you're lounging, feeling like not moving at all, this game will pass the hours with a quickness not seen since Kim Kardashian's last marriage.

7. Water

Your Pedialyte purple drank cocktail will help start the re-hydration process, but the most essential element to your recovery is water. I'm fancy like Iggy Azalea, so I squirt a bit of lemon or lime in mine. Sometimes both! (On the internet, they call that double penetration.) Find a suitable, large, reusable bottle. Sip it slowly, otherwise you'll start feeling "Molly-nausea", which is worse than regular nausea, because Molly nausea only goes away if you puke – and puking will eject all the Pedialyte. That's no good.

Legal Note: This is not actual, real, medical advice. I am not a doctor. I have a GED, and a Kroger plus card that allows me to get deals on Pedialyte. Having a molly hangover totally sucks, but sometimes, Pedialyte won't do the trick. If you feel like you're having a medical problem, please go to the hospital. Hyperthermia due to the ingestion of MDMA can cause damage to your internal organs. You know your body better than I do, and it's better to be overly cautious than dead.

Another Legal Note: Pedialyte didn't pay for this endorsement, but we're totally cool if the makers of Pedialyte want to cut us a check for all the mentions. I'm also down to get a Pedialyte tattoo on my stomach, if anyone in the Pedialyte marketing department is reading this. I think it would be… sexy?


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