Nine months ago, I cut off my 18-inch long mullet, and donated it to Locks of Love – a charity for cancer patients who needs wigs. (I hope whoever got that wig doesn't get drug tested with hair follicles though.) Now, my hair is finally returning to form. The mullet has returned, and now my lovely motocross mudflap needs a soundtrack for the 80s/90s action film that is my life. If you don't already have a mullet, allow me to explain: Every mullet requires music in order to correctly flow in the breeze.
When looking for a perfect soundtrack for your mullet, you have to consider what any reasonable 80s/90s action star would listen to, and pair your song according to the level of relative action. It's all about your breeze-to-motorcycle speed ratio. You're wearing a helmet, right? WRONG!
Blue Sky Black Death returns to EARMILK with Euphoric Volume III, a collection of instrumentals that are super wavy, and sometimes intense. If you're trying to live the life of a 80s/90s action star, with a super wavy mullet (points at self), there is no other way to go. If you're not sure which 80s/90s action film perfectly fits your mullet/musical style – you're in luck. I'm not just any man adorned with a mullet: I once owned a Pontiac Fiero, and I was also born in a state south of the Mason-Dixon line. I'm a veritable mullet goldmine, so without further ado, let's figure out what movie your mullet belongs in.
Demolition Man – 1993 / Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Sandra Bullock
Let's say you're Wesley Snipes, a criminal in 1996, but you're cryogenically frozen because you're a bad guy, and that's just what happens to bad buys in 1996… when you're in 1993. Well, the good news is one day you'll escape and be able to raise hell in a utopian futurescape. The bad news? Sylvester Stallone AKA John Spartan (that name, though!) gets thawed out to hunt you down.
If you're a real mullet, check out all of Snipes' horrible lines, usually spoken in the third person. They're beyond cheesy, and perfect for any mullet who values their hair. Mullets always deliver their most memorable lines in the third person. If you're facing the "End Of Days", then play out this track for the final ride.
"You can't take away people's right to be assholes! That's who you remind me of… an evil Mr Rogers."
If you're into Demolition Man, you need something spacey, and ready to get dirty.
Bloodsport – 1988 / Jean Claude Van Damme
Need a movie that is completely devoid of a meaningful plot? You've come to the right place. If your mullet is all about traveling to Hong Kong, just to fight in the most badass tournament ever, then bloodsport is the movie for you. Van Damme's character is being chased by the government, sure – but he's got fighting to do.
This movie is a must for you if you're the bar-fight type of mullet, and Bloody Murder by Blue Sky Black Death fits the sound perfectly.
"I ain't your pal, dickface!"
Con Air – 1997 / Nicolas Cage, John Cusask, John Malkovich
You're staring Nicolas Cage in the face right now. I'm sorry this happened. Yet, long before Cage was a meme-centric joke, he was an actor. In Con Air, he came damn close to sporting a mullet. He battles other prisoners on a plane that has been overtaken, before eventually crash landing in Las Vegas.
It's a horrible movie, all around and Steve Buscemi plays an all-too-believable pedophile. Maybe it's his eyes? I don't know. Anyway, if you're the type of mullet who spends his time behind bars, it's best to have "Mob Ties", and rule with a heavy fist. Con Air is a great film if you love Nicolas Cage, completely insane plot lines, and bad special effects.
"Beautiful? Sunsets are beautiful, newborn babies are beautiful. This… this is fucking spectacular!"
Over The Top – 1987 / Sylvester Stallone
It's no surprise that Stallone checks in twice on our mullet-powered list, because he was a mullet many times throughout the 80s and 90s. Over the top features the forever-mullet past time of arm wrestling. Arm wrestling, unlike a real sport, is best done when several beers deep, whilst challenger a much larger man, and hurling generally homophobic epithets in his general direction.
Thankfully, Over The Top isn't hard to understand. It's about a truck driver who wants his son to love and respect him. How do you win the love of a child? Arm wrestling. Duh. Every mullet knows that. Stallone also has a perfect mullet occupation, as a professional logistics expert – he belongs on the open road.
"I drive truck, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best. Being number one is everything. There is no second place. Second sucks."
Point Break – 1991 / Patrick Swayze, Keaunu Reeves, Gary Busey
Rounding out our mullet-centric list is Point Break. Why? A cop has to go undercover as a surfer, because he need to infiltrate a gang of… bank robbing surfers. (Who makes this shit up?) It's an age old tale, that could really only exist in a 1991 action film. The surfer tie in is wavy, and Swayze's hair is just impeccable throughout the film.
If you want some tension, wait for the bank robbing scene when Reeves is gravely injured, and has to watch bank robber Swayze escape. Their mullet-friendship-bond won't allow him to shoot his new mullet friend. Instead, he screams in agony while firing his gun into the air.
Verdict: Rent it now. Do it. You know you aren't doing shit tonight anyway.
"Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation causes your worst fears to come true."